Damatte Iru
by Yemi Hikari
Summary: For all of the younger paladins a summer vacation back to their home planet of Earth is a dream come true. That is, except for Keith, whose personal preference is to withdraw from the reality of Shiro's disappearance. Problem is, he's the reason their having said vacation in the first place.
1. Hikikomori Mode

_Disclaimer - I don't own Voltron. I actually started writing this over on Wattpad back in April of 2017 for the TravelT profile and forgot about said story not to mention only got two chapters done. That places the story after the cliffhanger of season two, but the assumption is Keith didn't take Shiro's disappearance well. I utilize my headcanon of Shiro being Keith's older brother. Ryo is Keith's twin._

**Damatte Iru  
****_Hikikomori Mode_**

"_Stop being such a hikikomori Akira._"

Except, Keith couldn't help himself. Seeking out isolation like he did seemed like the only way to keep the negative feelings he felt from overwhelming him, as he could block out the outside simulants from adding to the emotional stress he felt. He sat in his room, his knees folded up so his chin could rest on the arms stretched across, and he stared at the other wall of the small nook. On the floor sat a trey of uneaten food. He'd lost a bit of muscle tone due to inactivity over the last few days, but honestly didn't care.

Shiro was gone, so why should he care?

The door to his room swished open, yet he paid the person no mind. They stepped over, touching his far shoulder before jamming their fingers into his ribs, making him jump and pull away, coming back to reality faster than he wanted, which was at all. His head turned, glaring at the female who glared back. "Allura, don't do that!"

"If you don't want me doing that, then perhaps you should eat?" The female narrowed her crystal blue eyes. Keith of course stared, as if her words went over her head. Letting out a sigh, she pulled away slightly. "I wouldn't have to poke you in the ribs to see how much they're sticking out now, if you would actually eat, and gain back some of that weight you've lost over the last week or so. You can't stay in here forever, you know."

"Yes, I can."

"I'm not letting you." Allura reached out to grab his arm, tugging lightly. He batted her arm away lightly, only for her to persist, and he followed after like a compliant dog. She held onto his arm, guiding him out of the room. "You know, if I'd know I could have just done this, I would have done so already."

"Whatever."

She led him to the showers, pushing him slightly. "You stink. Don't come out until you've stopped smelling please."

Keith sighed, heading in. The warm water felt good, but unfortunately brought him closer to the reality of Shiro not existing, but also trying to figure out what was real. He'd remained unaware of the events that transpired, and simply knew from what Allura told him that Shiro had disappeared, and they were now looking for him. There was also plenty he didn't want to remember, that he blocked off in the back of his head. He spent a good time under the shower, letting the hot water wrinkle his toes and fingers.

When he got out, Keith found Allura waiting for him, leaning up against the wall next to the door. "So, I saw to it that your room has fresh sheets, and that the trey of food was taken to the galley."

He looked at her, his mind numb, before turning away. The princess, however, grabbed his arm. He turned his head, tilting it slightly to see that she was glaring at him again. "Um. Thank you."

Instead, Allura sighed. "Come with me."

"No."

"It's an order. Or are you going to act insubordinate simply because..." Allura looked at the ground, her mouth pushing together while his mind drifted to thoughts of his previous insubordination problems. Keith wanted to pull away. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"I want to treat you as an equal. But to do that, I need you to let me help you even though you don't want to be helped."

Keith's eyes blinked, his breath drawing in, unsure of what to think. He did, however, hold out his arm so she could grab onto the sleeve of his jacket and tug him to wherever she wanted to take him. The place in question was the mess hall, where the other three paladins were waiting along with Coran, a strange alien with multiple legs named Slav, and a Galra named Kolivan. The red paladin froze upon seeing the Galra, and ducked slightly behind Allura.

Kolivan looked up, clearly noticing his reaction, before turning to the other paladins. "So, you three are looking forward to returning to Earth for what you Earthling's call summer vacation."

"Vacation..." Keith's eyes clamped shut, his emotions starting to stir, angry that they weren't looking for Shiro.

Allura turned, whispering into his ear, her breath softly tickling his ear. "Keith, we can't look for Shiro while you're like this. So, you're going on what I believe is called leave. Plus, this gives me and Coran time to establish diplomatic relationships with the people of Earth. I told you once that there are other duties."

Keith's head simply hung down, as Allura led him into the room to a chair. He sat down, not looking anyone in the eye. The other three paladins had taken notice that Keith was in the room, and looked at him as if he were some kind of injured animal, before rather shakily returning to the conversation. Lance spoke up. "Yeah, well, I'm looking forward to seeing my family, and spending some time on the beach."

"I'm looking forward to doing the hula. That's a native dance where I come from."

"Me? Well, I wouldn't blame my mom for not speaking to me, all the trouble I've put her through. I've still not brought back Matt and dad. I think she'd be much more receptive if I had."

Keith slid down, not liking the talk of family. Family was...

... complicated.

He continued to sink back into himself, not wanting to go on a summer vacation. Sure, said vacation was a dream come true for his friends – which in a way it surprised him that he could now call anyone a friend when he once couldn't, but for him it was a complete nightmare. Right now, he didn't even want to interact with people, and vacations meant definitely interacting with people, where as being a _hikikomori_ meant no social interaction, and that he could retreat into a safe zone.

Thus he shut everything out at that point, ignoring the rest of the conversation going on around him, as retreating back to his room wasn't an option.


	2. Spinning in Space

**Damatte Iru  
****_Spinning in Space_**

Everyone was hurting.

Allura felt her chest tighten, knowing how much Shiro held the group together. It tightened even more upon seeing the blank look on Keith's face, but also finding herself unable to reach out and touch him. Despite gaining the knowledge that he was part Galra, there was still so much she didn't know about the red paladin. He remained an enigma, and as such she didn't know how to fix a pain she didn't even know or understand. Keith's relationship with Shiro, after all, was also an enigma.

The only thing she could do at that moment, was to walk away, leaving Keith there to deal with his grief in the way which best suited him, just like everyone else. She didn't realize then that this was a mistake. Instead, she went to the waiting area of the ship where Kolivan waited for her to return. The leader of the blade stood there, waiting for some kind of information, and yet she found herself relating to him, a Galra of all people.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Antok I mean."

Kolivan simply stared, emotionless. "How is the black paladin?"

Allura took a deep breath, looking down at the ground. "He's missing. He wasn't in the black lion, and we have no explanation for it. Coran is looking into it though, and I guess Pidge will be helping him."

"And what about the red paladin?"

"Keith?" Allura's head darted up, her eyes widening. "I don't know."

"_Shiro..._"

For some strange reason in the back of her head she heard Keith's voice, faint in tone, but filled with pain. She brushed it aside, her eyes blinking, trying to think of something else. Her mind flickered to the end of the fight, where Antok died. "Actually, regarding Haggar. Did you notice..."

"I'm not sure I want to answer your question." The comment was blunt, and to the point. Allura glanced up, only to look back down, squirming under his gaze.

"If this has to do with my not trusting you, I'm sorry for the way I treated you two." She startled, watching Kolivan simply stand there, as she struggled to read the man. She swallowed. "What?"

"I'm not the one who should be apologizing to. Your distrust in us was warranted, but your distrust in..."

"I already apologized to him!" Allura felt a bit of anger well up, not just at Kolivan, but herself as the bitter feeling of having turned her back on Keith, even so briefly, welled up. "And didn't you say something about not ordering someone as inexperienced as him to go on said mission? You didn't trust him either."

"A didn't trust a child I just met, who came into our order with one of our blades. You, on the other hand knew him as an ally, and had no reason to mistrust him."

"It's complicated." The princess tried not making eye contact, not wanting to go into her personal feelings regarding Keith.

"_Shiro, where are you?_"

The red paladin's voice echoed in her head again, his panic seeming to grow. Kolivan, however, avoided her line of questioning, yet she didn't know how to come right out and say what she wanted to, let alone if she even wanted to know. She swallowed, wondering if she should just go and see if Keith was okay. What happened bothered her, and it seemed the leader of Marmora had the answers. The simplest path was to simply put forth, "you didn't answer my question. You know, regarding Haggar."

Kolivan looked at her, his mouth as silent as his organization.

"She was Altean."

_"Shiro, come back. Give him back. Give me back my..._"

The red paladin's voice came again, and Allura's hand darted up. She took a deep breath, his pain suddenly making her head hurt. Her breath drew deeply. "Never mind. I need to check on Keith. My question can wait."

She turned then, heading back to the black lion's hanger, where she left Keith standing in the cockpit when everyone else had left. In her head, she felt his emotions and saw his thoughts, vibrant now, almost in the same manner she saw the thoughts of the mice. The red paladin now sat collapsed to his knees on the ground, his thin body shaking as he stared at the lion, his emotions rushing out as hot tears streamed down his cheeks. Out of his mouth came a silent scream, a barely audible sound as his fingers twisted into his hair.

The emotions which bounced at her were overwhelming, uncontrolled, and yet Allura knew that the emotions and words, the call out for help wasn't aimed at her. It was aimed at Shiro, but also the black lion. She could feel the empty hole Shiro, but also the anger caused by the black lion, and something else she couldn't place her finger on. Keith's feelings and emotions were a cacophony intruding upon her own psyche, yet she couldn't place how _he'd_ manage to send her his own thoughts.

Allura moved to stand in front of him, kneeling down in front of him. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders, gently pulling him towards her so their foreheads touched. Her crystal blue eyes closed, pushing forth positive emotions. She could feel his entire body shake under her touch, silent sobs wracking his body, but also how he wasn't there. Keith was elsewhere, lost in his own mind, struggling to take in Shiro's disappearance.

He continued to try to "call out", mentally exhausting himself in his confusion, making Allura herself confused. Her presence eventually began to sooth him, drawing him into a deep sleep, his thin body still shaking. She looked up, finally realizing that Kolivan was still there. The Galra crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing, while her mind tried to figure out what to do.

After a few minutes, he spoke up, his words blunt and to the point, although a bit out of the field of what she expected. "You need to apologize to him."

"I told you, I already did."

"Not for mind melding with him without his permission."

Allura started, Keith's body resting against her shoulder, the emotions still pouring off him, though slowly calming to a numbness. "What..."


End file.
